Tough questions, honest answers

Answers to some questions:

Why did Cameron die?

Cameron was considered stillborn. She died as a result of a nuchal cord. Meaning she died inside of the uterus @ around 20wks, because she got tangled in her cord. I had to be induced to remove her.

We knew nothing of her death until we went in to our doctor for our 20wk appt, and she could not find a heartbeat. We were sent for an ultra sound, and it confirmed that our baby had died. We were in COMPLETE shock, there were no signs, no warnings. We were excited and expecting our 3rd child one minute and grieving our child's death the next. We did not know the baby's gender at the time of the ultra sound. the nurse placed her in my arms and said "You had a girl" that moment we said hello and good-bye to our first daughter.

wikipedia:

A stillbirth occurs when a fetus which has died in the uterus or during labor or delivery

Miscarriage is the spontaneous end of a pregnancy at a stage where the embryo or fetus is incapable of surviving, generally defined in humans at prior to 20 weeks of gestation. Miscarriage is the most common complication of early pregnancy

Cord entanglement - The umbilical cord can wrap around an extremity, the body or the neck of the fetus. When the cord is wrapped around the neck of the fetus it is called a nuchal cord. Again, these entanglements can cause constriction of blood flow.

Death of a child

Death of a child can take the form of a loss in infancy such as abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth or neonatal death, SIDS, or the death of an older child.^[4] In all cases, parents find the grief almost unbearably devastating, and while persons may rate the death of a spouse as first in traumatic life events, the death of a child is still perhaps one of the most intense forms of grief, holding greater risk factors. This loss also bears a lifelong process: one does not get 'over' the loss but instead must assimilate and live with the death.^[5] Intervention and comforting support can make all the difference to the survival of a parent in this type of grief.

It is important for friends and family members to acknowledge the loss of the pregnancy, and not to attempt to minimalize the significance of a pregnancy that did not come to term. Feelings of guilt, whether legitimate or not, are pervasive, and the dependent nature of the relationship disposes parents to a variety of problems as they seek to cope with this great loss. Parents that suffer a loss may experience resentment towards others who experience successful pregnancies.

Hold my hand

When I first started on this awful journey called grief, some one told me:

You must grieve in the best way that you know how. Educate yourself on the grief process, find a therapist, counselor, clergy or trusted mentors to help on the journey. The most important thing is to listen to your heart, my mind and my body. You may say or do things that seem strange to others, but it makes sense to you, something in your heart is telling you to do or say what ever it is. As long as it does not bring physical harm to any one or anything, it is ok- it is all a part of the process, so please, be patient with yourself, and hopefully your support circle can just bear with you while you get through what you need to get through. There is no one right way to grieve. It is a very individual experience.

Eventually life will get back to normal, but it will be a new normal. Grief is a process, a process that takes time. A LOT of time. There are many steps, layers, and endless detours on the journey through grief.

There are so many questions, but no one wants to ask. Maybe it is the fear of upsetting me, or the fear that making me think about it will make it worse. Maybe the fear of breaking me in this fragile state of being.

My world has already been blown apart, I am already in pieces. Talking about it won't break me any further than I am already broken. Help me piece it back together.

I am facing the "tough stuff" as best I can. Some things I may never be able to do again, but I do not know, only time will tell. I will not run from this tough stuff, for it only makes it bigger, and gives it more power over me.

At times I may withdraw from things, it does not mean I am hiding or denying the situation at hand, it just means I need some time and space to process things. If you ever want to know what the 'tough stuff' is, please don't hesitate to ask.

I am healing, and I want you to be a part of my journey through my grief, so please, hold my hand, ask me questions (about Cameron, her death, my grief, the process...what ever- if I don't feel I can answer it, I won't), give me a hug (real or virtual) when you see me cry. I may be spinning in circles, but with each turn I am progressing, it is all a part of the process.