Angel Mommies

My friend, Courtney wrote this on her blog:

To my angel mommies
We have shared our tears and our sorrow,
We have given encouragement to each other,
Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,
We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,
Who we watched grow over the years,
Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,
But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,
The bond we share is very strong,
With each other there is no need to explain,
The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,
They didn't want us on this journey alone,
They knew we needed each other,
To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,
We may stumble and fall along the way,
But we'll get up and try again,
Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,
We'll create a place where we belong,
Together we will find ways to cope,
Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong

Thank you so much for sharing that with all of us Courtney!! Such beautiful words!!

GRRRRRR

aparently there is some bug on our computer that will not allow me to access any - and I mean ANY other blogger blog. so I am only able to read a tiny bit of everyone's posts, and can't reply!!!

going to have my husband look at things when he gets home from golf. I am thinking of all of you- I just can't write you!!!

friends in unexpected places

I went seeking a resource, only to be more frustrated and infuriated. About a month ago I had to face the doc that delivered Cameron. I had been having some abdominal pain and knew I needed to be seen. I figured, that we will need a doc, so I needed to start forming a trusting relationship with someone now so they can be supportive when we do decide to venture down THAT road again.

I felt lost and alone, getting a computer answering system (press 1 if...press 2 if..) I was constantly playing phone tag with the office. I been asking questions, I like to be an educated patient. I felt the answers I was given were just given to pacify me and were not really an answer. I hate having to call back, and wait to get a call back wondering what the heck might be going on with me (and if you know me, you know I have a wild "what if" side to me!)

In the end, I have a cyst, very common, nothing to worry about, nothing to panic about, it is small, and will most likely resolve on its own. But I still do not like the level of anxiety in dealing with the staff. I also find it funny that when I asked about having my records sent over they said that it was not necessary. WHY????

After talking with my therapist, and getting some reassurance from her, she told me "you need to hold the dr accountable for the information her staff is giving"

This made me think, if I have having this much issue with a cyst, what will happen with other things. It doesn't help that every time I see her, her name or her office's phone number I feel anxiety in the pit of my stomach, I feel the same feelings I felt back in January after Cameron was stillborn. That is not something I need to be drudged up again and again on top of fighting for every question to be answered. I did get a chance to talk directly to the dr, which was very nice and I told her I appreciated it. But I think I need to let that part of things go.

I need to not have to face her and have her be a constant reminder of how our relationship started- with my daughter's death.

A very good friend of mine is a postpartum nurse and gave me a great recommendation for a new doc. She gave me the nurse's direct line and let her know that I would be calling. I called, got the nurse's voice mail, and was called back very promptly. She talked with her for a bit, she answered all of my questions and was very informative and professional about things. I told her that I would like to sit down and talk with the doc, she handed the call over to one of their other staff members who is responsible for scheduling. To my delight it was a wonderful woman I met 7months ago ( I knew she worked at this office, I just wasn't expecting to get her). We met at a support group for parents who have lost a baby. I remember seeing her that night and being able to completely identify with her. I only attended the one meeting (and come to find out, so did she- it was too much for both of us!)

Hearing her voice on the other end of the line was so incredibly comforting. To know that I will see her smiling face every time I walk into that office, I will hear her voice when I call, knowing that we have the bond of loving and losing our babies. Some one in my real life who understands the hell I have been through.

I don't know where my journey is headed, if God will grant us another child in our life, if He will bless us with another pregnancy, if He chooses to make me a mother again- but I do know that there are friends in unexpected places, and I feel that is His way of being there for us.

So this post is to my friend in the unexpected place, thank you for your warm voice and your knowing glance.

I haven't written in a few weeks, we have had some really nice weather and we took a family trip to Chicago!! We had a wonderful time. We got to meet my brother-in-law's girlfriend (the boys instantly fell in love with her!). We visited the aquarium, Navy Pier, and Brookfield Zoo.

One thing I noticed from the moment we arrived and were walking to the aquarium- until we were walking back to the van after our long day at the zoo....was the butterflies! EVERY where we went there was at least one butterfly. While waiting in line to get into the aquarium, as we pulled around the front of Navy Pier, as we sat in traffic down town (yes, downtown Chicago sitting in traffic there was a monarch butterfly that flew right infront of our van!). We saw tons of them at the zoo, a huge one near our table at the Rainforest Cafe (fake one, but still).

Butterflies were making themselves known- it just affirms to me that it was a true family vacation- and Cameron made sure we knew that she was there too!