It is starting to get hard again, not that it was every easy. This was supposed to be her first christmas, this was supposed to be a time we spent seeing Christmas through her eyes, all of the wonder, the excitement, the joy.
She should have been about 6 months old now, I see other babies around that age and I can't help but think what should have been. I think back on last Christmas, if only I had known that I would be saying good bye to her a few weeks after we celebrated the holidays- maybe in some way I would have been able to deal with it better, but then I think- No, knowing that we would lose her would only have made it worse. It is best we found out as we did. We still enjoyed celebrating with the boys, not knowing the hell that was to come.
I am trying to "make a plan" for Christmas to deal with my grief- my therapist says this will help me anticipate grief bursts a little better. Throwing pregnancy hormones on of it is not helpful. I had to excuse myself from church on sunday and go in the bathroom and cry- it was baptism sunday, and 3 little girls were being baptized- it was just too much. So far I am struggling on what to "do" for my plan. I have 2 beautiful ornaments on our tree for Cam, one DH and I bought, another from a friend.
Every where I go I see something about the Christ child or Baby Jesus, I think to myself "Did Mary know that one day she would weep at the foot of the cross for the child she gave birth to in the stable? Did she know the pain and heartache that was all too soon to come her way?"
On Jan 15, the mother's group at our church is going to be holing a prayer service for families that have lost a child. I brought the idea to the group, and I have taken the wheel for planning. I feel that this is my "plan" for Cam's 1 yr angelversary- but I am sooooo at a loss as to what to do for christmas, I am sure it will come to me. Babylost mamas- what are you doing in memory of your little one this holiday season?
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Friday, December 4, 2009
More found poems
Found this over at Triplet Butterfly Wings
My Mommy is a Survivor
My Mommy is a survivor or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her... and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says... no matter what she feels.
My surviving mommy has a broken heart
That time wont ever heal...
-author unknown
My daddy is survivor too...
My daddy is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my daddy each day to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.
My daddy is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor... And, I can still feel his love.
-author unknown
My Mommy is a Survivor
My Mommy is a survivor or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach that never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mommy, who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others... a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My mommy tries to cope with death to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows it is her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving mom through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her... and show her that you care.
For no matter what she says... no matter what she feels.
My surviving mommy has a broken heart
That time wont ever heal...
-author unknown
My daddy is survivor too...
My daddy is a survivor too
which is no surprise to me.
He's always been like a lighthouse
that helps you cross a stormy sea.
But, I walk with my daddy each day to lift him when he's down.
I wipe the tears he hides from others;
He cries when no one's around.
I watch him sit up late at night with my picture in his hand.
He cries as he tries to grieve alone, and wishes he could understand.
My daddy is like a tower of strength.
He's the greatest of them all!
But, there are times when he needs to cry...
Please be there when he falls.
Hold his hand or pat his shoulder...
And tell him it's okay.
Be his strength when he's sad,
Help him mourn in his own way.
Now, as I watch over my precious dad from the Heavens up above...
I'm so proud that he's a survivor... And, I can still feel his love.
-author unknown
Snow
It is the first big snow of the season. The kids are so excited- they were up at the crack of dawn, well before dawn 5:45am to be exact. We have around 4". I am excited too, but my patience is running thin "mommy can we go outside now?" (at 6:30) "how about NOW?" (at 6:45) agrrrrh!!! I just really wanted to sleep- I feel like a bad mom!
Just minutes ago, I looked outside. there were HUGE flakes falling, the large angel feather like flakes- and it make me think of Cameron and those same flakes that fell on the day she was stillborn. It takes me back to lying there in that hospital bed, so completely drained of tears- yet they still kept coming. Today, these feathery flakes bring tears to my eyes, yet unlike the ones in january, they bring a little peace to my soul.
I am one to believe in signs, weather sent by God, or Cameron herself, I believe in them. I can not tell you how many butterflies we saw this summer. I feel that was her summer sign. We even saw them while sitting in traffic in downtown Chicago this summer. I tell everyone the story of how I got 2 burgundy Zinnias, and one yellow- the 2 for Z and M and the yellow for C. With in weeks, the yellow one turned pale pink! I kid you not!
I was saddened by the cold weather, knowing we would not see those precious signs again until spring- but a gentle reminder was sent in these large flakes today. While my eyes are wet from tears, I feel like she is near, saying "it is ok mommy"
Just minutes ago, I looked outside. there were HUGE flakes falling, the large angel feather like flakes- and it make me think of Cameron and those same flakes that fell on the day she was stillborn. It takes me back to lying there in that hospital bed, so completely drained of tears- yet they still kept coming. Today, these feathery flakes bring tears to my eyes, yet unlike the ones in january, they bring a little peace to my soul.
I am one to believe in signs, weather sent by God, or Cameron herself, I believe in them. I can not tell you how many butterflies we saw this summer. I feel that was her summer sign. We even saw them while sitting in traffic in downtown Chicago this summer. I tell everyone the story of how I got 2 burgundy Zinnias, and one yellow- the 2 for Z and M and the yellow for C. With in weeks, the yellow one turned pale pink! I kid you not!
I was saddened by the cold weather, knowing we would not see those precious signs again until spring- but a gentle reminder was sent in these large flakes today. While my eyes are wet from tears, I feel like she is near, saying "it is ok mommy"
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