Delivery of an Angel- our story

Some of you have been reading for a while. Many of you know that my daughter was still born, but have not heard her story. this is a hugely emotional thing to share, and it has taken me this long to get to a point where I feel I can share. It is a very long story, and yes, it will probably make you cry- so don't read it at work! If you have had a recent loss, you may not want to read this at all. It is the raw story, as I wrote it a little over a month after our stillbirth.

Our lives were changed in a heartbeat

Each time I tell our story, it comes back to me as fresh as the day it all happened. I can replay the day like a movie in my head.

It all started out like any other Friday. That morning I remember my husband and I standing in the kitchen and he casually asked “anything you wanted to get done today? any plans?” not an unusual question by any means.

I replied “nah, I might take a nap after our appt. with the doctor, but other than that, nothing”.

We got to our appointment, the nurse checked all of the usual stuff. I finally had gained some weight- I had been SOOOO sick this pregnancy! I had even gotten sick just before our appointment. The doctor asked if we had any question, we didn’t but I mentioned to her that I felt very dizzy that morning.

I laid back on the table- I’ve done this dozens of times, this was my third pregnancy. Our doc got out the monitor they roll over your belly with, and the cold gel. She searched for the heart beat as usual, and searched some more. I was starting to get a little worried, but I just thought the baby was hiding, or in a funny position. I remember our doc saying something like “hey kiddo, come on you’re freaking you mom out!” she tried for a little while longer. Still nothing. She said “it may just be the position and our doplers aren’t as strong as the ones at the hospital. But the good news is you get to go for your ultra sound today, you will not leave my office with out an appointment for the ultra sound.” then she went on to say something about “you won’t leave the u/s without talking to me.” I should have known something was up. She had never said anything like that in my previous pregnancies.

I went to check out and made my next prenatal appointment, the receptionist looked at the orders for the u/s and said “Oh! she wants this TODAY”. Again I didn’t really think anything of it.

My husband had taken the boys out to the van while I was checking out, because they were getting restless. We had promised them lunch at their favorite place if they were good during the appointment (they usually are, but they needed a little extra encouragement that day!) But now with the u/s we were going to have to postpone lunch. I still didn’t think anything of it

We were trying to decide what to do with the boys, it was lunch time and there was NO way we were going to take them with us for the u/s. We found a neighbor that could take them, and while I was talking to her, I looked at the orders for the u/s it said “viability”. It hit me, VIABILITY- OH MY GOD! VIABILITY?!? I broke down and my husband knew at that same moment some thing was wrong. Very, VERY wrong.

I was trying not to freak out. I was trying to think anything but questioning the viability of my baby’s life.

We got in for our u/s. There was our perfect baby on the screen. The tech took some initial measurements and then moved on. “And this is where we look for the heartbeat” she quickly moved on to another part of the body. For a quick second, I thought, well that was strange. But didn’t think much else of it. The baby was in a funny position and my placenta was anterior “ah see that’s why she couldn’t find it in the office” I said to my husband. Then the tech turned on the blood flow function where the screen shows the blood flowing in and out in bright red and blue colors- but our baby remained in black and white. It was starting to become real, this was really happening.

It was the shortest u/s I had ever had, and I knew it couldn’t be good. My husband flat out asked her “Did you see a heartbeat?” the tech replied “Technically I am not qualified to diagnose anything on the u/s, but since you did ask me a direct question I will answer it…no, I did not see a heartbeat, I am so sorry!”

And from that moment on, I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me and ripped our world apart. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me, to us, to our baby. This was supposed to be our big 20wk u/s where we really get to see our baby, count fingers and toes, find out the gender, go home with all sorts of pictures and share with our family and friends. NO! This is NOT happening! This can NOT be happening! I told myself.

Delivery of an Angel

After the u/s,the OB’s office called and said we would be admitted to OB special care THAT NIGHT for labor and delivery. I was speachless- my thoughts were “you mean they are going to make me DELIVER this baby? I have to go thru the hell of labor and delivery and have no baby to take home?” I could NOT believe it, to me there was no worse thing on earth.

I was induced friday (jan 16th) night. I delivered our angel at 8:07 on Saturday (Jan 17th) morning, We did not know that we had a girl until they placed her in my arms. Nothing like hearing “its a girl!" as they place your stillborn child in your arms. torture pure torture.

It is still hard for me to say “born” or “birth” when talking about this whole thing- I relate both of those words to life- some thing she did not have outside of me. The reason for her death was that the cord was tightly wrapped around her neck cutting of circulation. Her eyes and ears were still fused shut. “she’ll never see the light of day, or hear a lullabye” I thought.

Early in the pregnancy (before we even told our boys about the baby) our oldest said “Mommy, we should have another baby!” “oh really?” I giggled. “and what should we name this baby?” I asked. He said “Cameron…Cameron and Drew, 2 babies mommy!!” I replied “No, how about just one?” “Ok Mommy.” We told them a few weeks later that there was a baby in mommy’s tummy, and from that point on the boys INSISTED that the baby’s name was Cameron. We kept telling them that we would see, we’d consider it, but we didn’t know quite yet.

My husband sat on the couch, in our hospital room, I don’t remember who was holding her at the time (I think he was). I looked at him and I said “I think we know what her name is…” and at the same time we said “Cameron”. We searched for a middle name briefly…Elise? Lynn? Then it came to me, Diane. Diane is my middle name, and it seemed very fitting.

The rest of the day was a blur of visits from friends and family. The hospital staff was great- we have her foot prints in plaster, NILMDTS photos, blankets and things she wore for pics, and a beautiful memory box provided by the hospital.

I went home that same night less than 12 hours after delivery.

My husband has been and continues to be so supportive- I can;t even begin to say how thankful I am for him!!

I am trying to have faith in the things that I know are real and tangible, like my love for our boys- that is the string I am holding on to right now. With out them- this would be MUCH harder.

An angel never dies

I read this on a friend's blog, and it really hit home. I am drawing near what would have been Cameron's due date, and now am grieving yet another loss, my grandfather (Cameron was still born on his birthday) passed away last week, and his funeral was on the same day that I would have been 38wks pregnant with Cameron. My other 2 children were born at 38wks.

2 lives lost
2 loved ones no longer here
Both are angels in my eyes
An Angel never dies

An Angel Never Dies - author unknown

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,
That something stopped my heart,

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,
I loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold,
It doesn’t mean I’m gone,

This world was worthy not of me,
God chose that I move on,

I know the pain that drowns your soul,
What you are forced to face,

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms, Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was “meant to be,
God doesn’t make mistakes”

But that won’t soften your worst blow
Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,
Another child you’ll bear,

Believe me when I say to you,
That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,
When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips and
Then you’ll understand.

Although I never breathed your air,
Or gazed into your eyes,

That doesn’t mean I never “was”…
An Angel Never Dies.

Mother's day- Am I a Mother?

Written by Clara Hinton | Feb 23, 2002

A woman struggles with a very basic question when early loss occurs such as miscarriage, ectopic pregnancy, or stillbirth. Women who have given their child up for adoption struggle with this same question. Am I a mother?

Am I a mother? When there is no child to hold, no child visible to others, this question is one that pains the innermost depths of the heart. Mother’s Day is especially difficult because there are such things as new baby dedications done in churches, mother-daughter banquets planned, and flowers designed just for mothers. A woman who does not have her physical child with her often agonizes over what to do and what to say to others.

Even if your baby lived one day inside of you, you are still a mother! Your body was “with child”; therefore, in a very real sense you are a genuine mother. That is special, and worthy of recognition. It is extremely important to give validity to the fact that you wear the cherished name “mother”. Am I a mother? Yes!

Sadly, many do not recognize mothers of miscarriage and other early child loss. I don’t believe this is an intentional oversight. I believe it stems from a lack of understanding and a general feeling of not knowing what to say or do in an uncomfortable situation.

Card companies also are lacking in the careful wording of cards for mothers who have experienced miscarriage and early child loss. Often, even those closest to you will overlook you in the celebration of Mother’s Day. In fact, there may be some who would think you are not accepting the loss if you want to celebrate Mother’s Day in some way.

What are you to do? Follow your heart. If you feel it is important for you to be recognized as a mother, then let others know of your wishes.

Tell others that you would enjoy flowers, or that you would love a donation made to your favorite charity in honor of your baby for Mother’s Day. Wear a flower on Mother’s Day, or choose something that has special significance to you such as a bracelet to wear in honor of your baby. This will give you a connection to your baby, and allow you to feel like you are a mother.

Yes. You are a mother, and that means that Mother’s Day is for you, too. Hold that day close to your heart by honoring your child’s birth and death. Grieve the loss, but remember your baby. And, by all means, allow yourself the privilege of being called mother.

When you validate the fact that you indeed are a mother, you are moving one more step forward in your journey of grief towards healing.

borrowed angels

These are My Footprints

Author Unknown

These are my footprints, so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints, never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint, for now I have my wings.
These tiny footprints were meant for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints, in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angels’ tears, of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints, in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you, if you give me just a chance.

You will see my tiny footprints, in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind, and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints, are found in mummy's heart, cause even though I'm gone now, we'll never truly part