Chasing all the little Fireflies

Today a catalog came in the mail. I have no idea how I got on this company's mailing list- not my typical caliber of shopping, I am much more of a "frugalista".

A year ago I would have gone ballistic, how dare someone send me such a thing- filled with beautiful little girl dresses, fairy wands, butterflies and flowers on every piece of clothing, ruffles on every bottom, tutu's and ballet flats with sparkles. I looked through it, imagining what my little girl would have looked like- even thinking I may have seen a glimpse of her on a page or two. I kept asking why? why did I get this? yes, I have kids, 2 boys and another boy on the way. This catalog did have some boy stuff, but 90% of it was girl stuff.

After a desperately needed nap (3rd trimester is a bugger when your 3yo decides to give up naps!) I talked to my husband and I said "I don't know if it is some cruel joke from the universe, or if maybe just maybe.. it is Cameron's way of sending a little hello, letting me know she is watching over us or something." He said he definitely thought it was a hello from her- seeing how the catalog was filled with fairies and butterflies- what are the chances?

We have about 10 weeks (or less!) to go before baby brother's arrival. A good friend asked how I was doing in regards to looking down the road at his birth (she knows I have a lot of anxiety going into this birth). And I told her that right now I am just trying not to think about it. I am trying to take it one day at a time. When I do think about it, I flash back to Cameron's delivery and all of the emotional baggage that comes along with it- and I am terrified. I don't even know where to begin to prep myself for this birth. Just found out my OB will be out of town the week before my due date, and my good friend, the nurse who said she would be more than happy to be at the birth, will be out of town the week before that. I know the chances of delivering then are slim, but how many strikes do I need before I go out of my mind?

How many more people do I have to tell "My last birth didn't go well... (and I am scared to death of losing another baby, and I don't want to be put on the spot and I dont want to be bossed around, and I just want a peaceful birth where I go home with a live baby and not a box!) yeah explain that one to the nurse at registration! I have considered a doula (I have a friend or two that are birth doulas), but my husband isn't so sure about the idea. I guess we still have a few weeks to think about it.

In the mean time I will focus on what I will take as a little hello from my baby girl as I flip thru the pages of the firefly catalog!