This blog is a whole series on helping a grieving friend:
Helping a grieving friend
Other ideas here:
whispered support
Highlights for a quick read:
-ask "How are you doing?"
-ask about my child- if I don't want to talk about it I will let you know.
-Say my child's name. My child was a person, a person that was very much a part of me.
-don't expect me to be my old self again, my child has changed who I am, there will be a new normal
-don't rush me in my grief process, the process of grief takes a minimum of one year
-No one can "fix it" or take my pain away, and I don't expect you to. Just be there, just listen.
-Let me cry, even hold me as I do.
-there are many phases of grief, I need to go through all of them, it is a healthy part of the process
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For me, the first few weeks I was completely numb. All I could do is cry. I just needed people to hold me and help me cry. My husband was the best at that. He would come up and put is arms around me, and I felt so safe and protected in his arms.
People would try to say things that would comfort me. I know that they all meant well, but when you are in the tidal wave of the death of a child, no words can comfort the pain of your heart being ripped from your chest. I could not sleep, I could not eat. I relied on my wonderful circle of support to provide some very basic needs in those early weeks. I could barely care for myself, let alone my family. My husband took care of everything having to do with the kids and the house, he usually does quite a bit, but he did it ALL for the first month or so after Cameron's death. He is my rock.
I loved all of the phone calls, and hearing from so many loved ones and friends. Often times I just needed to let it go to voice mail because I just did not even have the energy to talk (yes, grief can be THAT exausting). I listened to every voice mail, several times, in fact. I loved how people would send an e-mail/cards to let me know I was in their thoughts and prayers, not just once or twice in the first few weeks, but months after. I still look at the cards we received in the mail. They sit in a special basket as a reminder of how many people care.
Some say the pain of losing a child gets better over time, I disagree. I think the pain is always there, it may lessen, but it never goes away. Many women I have talked to (some have lost their child in recent weeks or months, for others it has been years or decades) say it still hurts. I think that the type of pain may change over time, and just because it changes, doesn't mean it is "all better".
For me, time and therapy is helping me learn to cope with my pain so that I can function. For me, grieving Cameron's death is something I feel I need to actively participate in. I am in a place that many people do not understand, and that is ok. I hope they never have to understand, never have to feel this kind of pain. But I need to do the things I need to do, in order to travel through my grief. Everyone's journey is different, just as every person is different. It does not mean any one way of grieving is right or wrong, just different.
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