in 16 more days

In 16 more days, it will be the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life, they day we learned our baby had died inside of me. It was the beginning of the end, the beginning of a whirl wind trip thru hell. I walk myself through those first few days of 2009 thinking about how I took my pregnancy for granted. I knew that stillbirth existed, I just never knew anyone it happened to....until it was me.

I see people I know (and then there are the people know from my past that I dislike) pregnant with little girls- and I say "Why?" "why do they get to enjoy the beauty of a healthy baby girl, when I lost mine?" It is just not fair. Yes, I know, I have 2 healthy children, both boys and I should be grateful for that, and I am. Yes, I know, I have another healthy baby boy on the way and I should be so very thankful for that, I am. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY blessed and VERY thankful. There are times I think what did I do to deserve this hell? why me?

This next month is going to be a difficult one for me. I don't know how I am going to cope, I am still doing well with my meds, but I have all but dumped my therapist (after I told her I thought I had PTSD, and she told me was just more grief. I am sorry, but reliving the event in your head constantly, feeling the pain and emotions and panic physically do not sound like "just grief" to me.) A wonderful friend sent me the hypnobabies hypnobirthing program- and that has helped me a ton! I also saw another therapist who walked me thru some hypnosis to calm me down a little, and she agreed that yes, it did sound like I had some PTSD going on, she said it was like I was a soldier that had returned from the front lines of still birth- so well put. I think I like her.

To all of you out there expecting blessings in 2010, I pray, Lord, please let these little ones arrive healthy and safe! I pray for all of the mamas that will join us on this journey and don't know it yet, my He walk beside them and comfort them in their tears.